Hey Beauties,
Have you ever lost your way? Has life ever dealt you a curve ball and you don't know how to survive?
Well...welcome to my life, I'm sure many others can relate to that experience. There is much I can tell, but I think Im going to focus on the most recent blow.
Late October, a few days before Halloween, I received devastating news. A good friend of mine, Alex had passed away. If you have ever lost a friend or a loved one ( in my world they equate to the same) who was around, or the same age as you, then you know what I was feeling. If you haven't, Ill clue you in.
I was so angry at the world, I was angry at him, I was angry at myself. Through all this, I supported myself, and I tried to support everyone else around me. Its a hard job, and It is still a grieving process that I am going through. Above all else, this experience scared me. If someone who was my age could die, couldn't I? I wont expose intimate details, but it was one stupid choice, that lead to the death of Alex. Anyone of us could have made that choice, or one similar to it. I was rattled, I still am.
This isn't my first time around the rodeo, so to say. I have had my fair share of loses, and pain, and each one affected me differently. When I was younger, I was so consumed with the pain that had built up, that I punished myself and everyone around me, I hated god, and I turned away from him. I was still a spiritual person, but I convinced myself that there was no god. You can ask those around me, I have at least told one or two of those people, those exact same thoughts. I left church and my religious classes ( CCD) and went out on my own, I needed to find out what I believed, and who I was. many of my Questions have been answered, and when Alex passed away, another light was shed.
One of my best friends had turned away from me. She honestly believed that I couldn't possibly be feeling a loss for Alex, because her loss was supposedly greater than mine. Granted she knew him better than I did, but that just didn't feel right.It is not my place to say if that was correct or not. However, she broke my heart the day she turned around and told me publicly that I was using Alex's death for attention. I think apart of me died that day. This was a girl I would and still, do anything for, I have always been a shoulder for her to cry on. I didn't understand how she could do this to me. Those around me told me " Everyone must grieve in their own way" This didn't make sense to me, but I accepted it as truth.
A few days before this happened, and I lost a dear friend of mine ( we would not speak to each other for about 8 weeks.) was my friends funeral. I had never before, been compelled to walk into church, I usually went to a wake, to pay my respects, and that would be that. However, I couldn't do that this time, every time I thought about walking away, I wanted to cry. I needed to see this through to the end. While at his funeral mass, I prayed hard. I prayed for the first time In 8 years, I said psalms for the first time in 8 years, I knelt on the ground and bowed my head and lit a candle for the first time in 8 years. At some point during mass, I think it was before Holy Communion, I looked up, and I told myself that something was missing. I didn't feel like I belonged. When I was younger, even when I was doubting my faith, I always felt like I belonged, Why was this time different? Then it hit me, everyone around me had been Confirmed. I hadn't, that made me different. I knew what I needed to do.
I started RCIA classes, which would make me eligible for Confirmation. I am still currently going through this process. I wont say that I completely agree with the concept of organized religion, or even everything the Catholic Church sets forward as a standard for our way of living, but I can stand in front of church a month from now and claim that I believe In the basic principles that make up the catholic faith. I combine these practices with those of my Native American background, and I feel whole. I feel like I know who I am again. Im not a 100% there, but Im on my way, and a whole lot closer then I was before.
Those in my peer group, turned to a local memorial and Alex's Facebook page for support and guidance. I turned to god. Many who have known me throughout all these years laugh at my new found faith, and I don't blame them. I would have laughed at myself a few years ago too. I have prayed, and continue to pray for God and at many times, I even talk to Alex. I feel like they both can hear me, and they want what is best for all of us. Even when I was mad at my best friend who deserted me, I prayed for her. I prayed she would get better and a little bit stronger everyday, I still do. As I watch her progress and get better, It confirms my faith in God. I can remember specific days over the last few months, when I just cried because I had been overcome with joy. The day she apologized for hurting me, the first day we were able to sit down and talk about him, without me feeling like she was going to slap me in the face, the day she recognized what she hadn't the first time she apologized; she hurt me. As well as the day that I told her, what I am about to tell you, and she accepted it with so much grace, that I knew we would both be OK, and our friendship would survive this,(it has, and gets stronger everyday) I think Alex saved me.
I know 100% that God had a plan for all this, Do I wish that it didn't involve his death? Of course I do, but I know that if this hadn't happened, I wouldn't have been reached, and I couldn't have helped myself or anyone else by being in the state I was in.
May 27Th, I will stand in front of my parish and I will say "I DO" to every question they ask me, I will Confirm my faith, and I will continue to strengthen myself.
I know that this blog post is very personal, but now that I am on my own, I will be sharing information like this, because I can, without feeling weird.
Below are some choices of dresses I was considering wearing, we have to wear white, which I wanted to do anyway:
This beautiful cream dress form Zara:
http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/american-rag-dress-short-sleeve-belted-lace?ID=647553&CategoryID=18109&LinkType=#fn=COLOR%3DWhite%26DRESS_STYLE%3DA Line%26sp%3D1%26spc%3D14%26ruleId%3D2%26slotId%3D
Have you ever lost your way? Has life ever dealt you a curve ball and you don't know how to survive?
Well...welcome to my life, I'm sure many others can relate to that experience. There is much I can tell, but I think Im going to focus on the most recent blow.
Late October, a few days before Halloween, I received devastating news. A good friend of mine, Alex had passed away. If you have ever lost a friend or a loved one ( in my world they equate to the same) who was around, or the same age as you, then you know what I was feeling. If you haven't, Ill clue you in.
I was so angry at the world, I was angry at him, I was angry at myself. Through all this, I supported myself, and I tried to support everyone else around me. Its a hard job, and It is still a grieving process that I am going through. Above all else, this experience scared me. If someone who was my age could die, couldn't I? I wont expose intimate details, but it was one stupid choice, that lead to the death of Alex. Anyone of us could have made that choice, or one similar to it. I was rattled, I still am.
This isn't my first time around the rodeo, so to say. I have had my fair share of loses, and pain, and each one affected me differently. When I was younger, I was so consumed with the pain that had built up, that I punished myself and everyone around me, I hated god, and I turned away from him. I was still a spiritual person, but I convinced myself that there was no god. You can ask those around me, I have at least told one or two of those people, those exact same thoughts. I left church and my religious classes ( CCD) and went out on my own, I needed to find out what I believed, and who I was. many of my Questions have been answered, and when Alex passed away, another light was shed.
One of my best friends had turned away from me. She honestly believed that I couldn't possibly be feeling a loss for Alex, because her loss was supposedly greater than mine. Granted she knew him better than I did, but that just didn't feel right.It is not my place to say if that was correct or not. However, she broke my heart the day she turned around and told me publicly that I was using Alex's death for attention. I think apart of me died that day. This was a girl I would and still, do anything for, I have always been a shoulder for her to cry on. I didn't understand how she could do this to me. Those around me told me " Everyone must grieve in their own way" This didn't make sense to me, but I accepted it as truth.
A few days before this happened, and I lost a dear friend of mine ( we would not speak to each other for about 8 weeks.) was my friends funeral. I had never before, been compelled to walk into church, I usually went to a wake, to pay my respects, and that would be that. However, I couldn't do that this time, every time I thought about walking away, I wanted to cry. I needed to see this through to the end. While at his funeral mass, I prayed hard. I prayed for the first time In 8 years, I said psalms for the first time in 8 years, I knelt on the ground and bowed my head and lit a candle for the first time in 8 years. At some point during mass, I think it was before Holy Communion, I looked up, and I told myself that something was missing. I didn't feel like I belonged. When I was younger, even when I was doubting my faith, I always felt like I belonged, Why was this time different? Then it hit me, everyone around me had been Confirmed. I hadn't, that made me different. I knew what I needed to do.
I started RCIA classes, which would make me eligible for Confirmation. I am still currently going through this process. I wont say that I completely agree with the concept of organized religion, or even everything the Catholic Church sets forward as a standard for our way of living, but I can stand in front of church a month from now and claim that I believe In the basic principles that make up the catholic faith. I combine these practices with those of my Native American background, and I feel whole. I feel like I know who I am again. Im not a 100% there, but Im on my way, and a whole lot closer then I was before.
Those in my peer group, turned to a local memorial and Alex's Facebook page for support and guidance. I turned to god. Many who have known me throughout all these years laugh at my new found faith, and I don't blame them. I would have laughed at myself a few years ago too. I have prayed, and continue to pray for God and at many times, I even talk to Alex. I feel like they both can hear me, and they want what is best for all of us. Even when I was mad at my best friend who deserted me, I prayed for her. I prayed she would get better and a little bit stronger everyday, I still do. As I watch her progress and get better, It confirms my faith in God. I can remember specific days over the last few months, when I just cried because I had been overcome with joy. The day she apologized for hurting me, the first day we were able to sit down and talk about him, without me feeling like she was going to slap me in the face, the day she recognized what she hadn't the first time she apologized; she hurt me. As well as the day that I told her, what I am about to tell you, and she accepted it with so much grace, that I knew we would both be OK, and our friendship would survive this,(it has, and gets stronger everyday) I think Alex saved me.
I know 100% that God had a plan for all this, Do I wish that it didn't involve his death? Of course I do, but I know that if this hadn't happened, I wouldn't have been reached, and I couldn't have helped myself or anyone else by being in the state I was in.
May 27Th, I will stand in front of my parish and I will say "I DO" to every question they ask me, I will Confirm my faith, and I will continue to strengthen myself.
I know that this blog post is very personal, but now that I am on my own, I will be sharing information like this, because I can, without feeling weird.
Below are some choices of dresses I was considering wearing, we have to wear white, which I wanted to do anyway:
This beautiful cream dress form Zara:
The links below are for dresses that can be found at Macy's, I haven't decided what Im wearing yet, If anyone wants, they can help me make that choice.
http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/trixxi-dress-sleeveless-embroidered-eyelet-a-line?ID=658575&CategoryID=18109&LinkType=#fn=COLOR%3DWhite%26DRESS_STYLE%3DA Line%26sp%3D1%26spc%3D14%26ruleId%3D2%26slotId%3Dhttp://www1.macys.com/shop/product/american-rag-dress-short-sleeve-belted-lace?ID=647553&CategoryID=18109&LinkType=#fn=COLOR%3DWhite%26DRESS_STYLE%3DA Line%26sp%3D1%26spc%3D14%26ruleId%3D2%26slotId%3D
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