Have you ever lost yourself?
I mean truly lost yourself? Cant look in the mirror losing yourself.
I have. I wish I could say that this has only happened to me once, or twice. However, I am not a liar, and to be honest sometime I wonder if I have ever known who I was. It has gotten easier along the way, and somehow every time I fall apart, not only do I put the pieces back together, but I do so in a way that makes me feel more complete. Its horrific that I have had to hit some on my lowest points in order to achieve the most peaceful and blissful times in my life. Im 18, so that isn't saying much. :) But I have been through a lot. I don't act 18, I don't look 18, I don't feel 18. I feel so much older than my time...and quite often I am told that is the perception by many others. You would think that this would be GREAT...but it isn't.
One of the fundamental rights we have in life is our childhood and our adolescence. I had to grow up way too fast. What I am yearning for is what I lost during that jump. I want to make mistakes, and fall, and know that someone will watch over me and catch me- and care. Yet, I am 18. I am legally an adult. I have a checking account and debit cards and 25,000 dollar loans in my name. I don't get to be a child, or a teenager. I get to be an adult.
I am not saying that I don't have fun, or do stupid and childish things. I have an amazing group of friends who I am thankful for each day. They are the sole reason I get to experience an ounce of teenage freedom. I dance, and I party, go to the movies and go out to dinner. I have fun, and I love life. The next four years I plan to make the most of my college experiences...So what I am saying is, it isn't bad.
But there is something in me that I am looking for. I don't know if I will ever get that back. I am grateful everyday that I have been blessed with the intellect to guide myself through my lowest points and the support teams along the way that have helped me.
What I guess this post is really about... I am scared. I'm scared.
Who am I? Where am I going? How do I fix my problems from the past while moving on to an uncertain future? These are questions that I cant answer. If I could I wouldn't be venting on my blog.
Over the next year my hope is for that to change.
Welcome to College! I am taking you all along for the ride...( when I can remember to post, which I'm trying to figure out why I just keep going MIA on this blog...)
Lovingly Yours,
Taylor
