My Current Mental State.....

Have you ever lost yourself?

I mean truly lost yourself? Cant look in the mirror losing yourself.

I have. I wish I could say that this has only happened to me once, or twice. However, I am not a liar, and to be honest sometime I wonder if I have ever known who I was. It has gotten easier along the way, and somehow every time I fall apart, not only do I put the pieces back together, but I do so in a way that makes me feel more complete. Its horrific that I have had to hit some on my lowest points in order to achieve the most peaceful and blissful times in my life. Im 18, so that isn't saying much. :) But I have been through a lot. I don't act 18, I don't look 18, I don't feel 18. I feel so much older than my time...and quite often I am told that is the perception by many others. You would think that this would be GREAT...but it isn't.

One of the fundamental rights we have in life is our childhood and our adolescence. I had to grow up way too fast. What I am yearning for is what I lost during that jump. I want to make mistakes, and fall, and know that someone will watch over me and catch me- and care. Yet, I am 18. I am legally an adult. I have a checking account and debit cards and 25,000 dollar loans in my name. I don't get to be a child, or a teenager. I get to be an adult.

I am not saying that I don't have fun, or do stupid and childish things. I have an amazing group of friends who I am thankful for each day. They are the sole reason I get to experience an ounce of teenage freedom. I dance, and I party, go to the movies and go out to dinner. I have fun, and I love life. The next four years I plan to make the most of my college experiences...So what I am saying is, it isn't bad.

But there is something in me that I am looking for. I don't know if I will ever get that back. I am grateful everyday that I have been blessed with the intellect to guide myself through my lowest points and the support teams along the way that have helped me.

What I guess this post is really about... I am scared. I'm scared.

Who am I? Where am I going? How do I fix my problems from the past while moving on to an uncertain future? These are questions that I cant answer. If I could I wouldn't be venting on my blog.
Over the next year my hope is for that to change.

Welcome to College! I am taking you all along for the ride...( when I can remember to post, which I'm trying to figure out why I just keep going MIA on this blog...)

Lovingly Yours,

Taylor

Why i have grown to hate the MTA...

So it is 11:07 on a Saturday morning, and while I would love to be in my bed, I'm on my way to work. To add to this, I am always freaking out, about weather I will make it to work on time. Its a terrible cycle.

I wake up 3 hours before I need to get to work. It takes me and hour to get ready ( I have had to adjust my routine today to fit into a 20 minute time slot...fun) or less. I sometimes eat, and then I go and wait for the bus.

To get to work, I have to take the B3 to either the B36, Q or F trains...the N works, but that's sooo far out of the way. I live in a two fair zone. I have known this since I started taking trains and buses in 5th grade.
What I don't understand, would be, why the buses NEVER run on time? It feels as if the bus drivers just don't even care. I wait 30 minutes this morning for a bus. In that time period there should have been the 3 buses that were schedualed.

We have lives, and jobs....but we can't do those efficently because we can't depend on our mode of transportation.

I hate this!
Someone want to buy out the MTA, and run it for me? ...

I just want to get to work on time :(

Life as a LUNAtic: Unsensored -Week 1

Hey Beautiful People <3

Aww its been a tough week for me, and so to blow off some steam, I figured I would Blog It Out.

           At the end of March I started working as a LUNAtic, I'm on the promotions team for Luna park. Its an amazing job. The first few weeks were challenging, but fun, and I had a team of girls who were a blast to work with. The original LUNA team consisted of Mary, Judy, Ally, Chelsea, and I. We were the "dream team" as Mary and I call it now. Our bosses, who will only be named as D and K, did an amazing job putting our team together. Every day, we looked forward to coming to work, and bounced ideas off of each other, inspired each other, and motivated each other. The time would fly, and I found myself wanting to work more and more hours.

As time went on, we lost some members of our team, Ally and Chelsea had to leave us unfortunately.
There were a couple weeks when Judy, Mary and I were on our own, and those weeks were hard for us. We wanted to have a full team again, but as the saying goes be careful what you wish for...

Even before we finalized the girls on our team, we had the addition of Chris.
Chris is a DIVA, spelled exactly like that, all capitals, no lowercase. He thinks that he is gods gift to women, its disgusting...and somehow, because I don't meet his "standards" and could care less about his opinions, I have become the object if his harassment.

I have seen my fair share of bully-ish behavior, and usually I can deal. I have had so much experience in this field, it is scary. Somehow, having this in a work environment, is just setting me off.

After weeks of dealing with his comments, gestures, laughing and pointing, I hit my limit....and had a mental break down.

Its hard when a group of three girls is doing the same amount of work that all six of us are supposed to be getting done. Its more then hard, its infuriating.

I will go into the fun parts of the week, and how my friendship with one of the girls(Vera) developed, but right now I'm just wondering how I'm going to make it through the summer...I'm just so depressed, Ive literally shut down, and I know how I get when I'm like this...I don't want to spend my summer upset.

D said he will take care of it....he is so great to us. Here's hoping I don't lose my mind.
( or whats left anyway...)

I guess we shall talk more in a little bit,

Stay Beautiful,
Tay

Summer 12: Im back and better then ever ;-)

Hey Guys!
I missed you all. So much has happened and slowly, but surely I will catch you up. I work at Luna Park in Coney Island, and I work about 40 hrs a week, so yes I haven't had time to blog...but I don't believe in excuses. I actually had no way to type some blogs, If you remember my Sidekick got taken away, then I took it back, and then my laptop was taken away, and i just got it back tonight! (thanks mommy!) I wont go deep into my personal life right now, ill break it up into smaller posts...I just want to say "YAYYY" I'm backkk...and no it is not a threat ;-) its a promise.

Coming up:
My Hair Care Routine...
Life in the day of a LUNAtic series....
Skin care, how my regimen has evolved in the last few months...
Twitter and Instagram Confessions...
Boy Confessions Series...
Passion Party Recap...
My sunglasses OBSESSION...
and so much more! <3

Hugs and Kisses,
Stay Freakishly Beautiful :)
Tay

Crazy night

Hey Beauties,
I have this thing I do, where I make things so much worse before it can get better. You want examples? We'll me cleaning my room works, or my relationships with guys, or my family, or school. Yah I just make life more complicated. Some things are out of my control, but I'm not one for complaining about the struggles life has throw my way ( and there are many of them).
Other problems I create myself. Im trying to change that. I don't know why I have been this way lately. I really don't. I've been challenging everyone around me. I started partying more, and slacking off in school a little bit.
The begining of this year, It was because of the craziness that had been thrown my way.
I know that, I know that I fell behind then because I was depressed.
What I don't know, is why I have stayed down. Sure my grades are going back up, and lots of good things keep happening, but I keep having this feeling, like its me against the world.
I'm taking it out on everyone, and doing things I shouldn't do.
The one bright spot, is that I have reconnected with my older sister, we have always had a rocky relationship ( ill explain sometime) but I love her dearly, and I find that everytime I see her we get closer and closer. I might finally have the chance to have a good relationship with her :-) and after all these years of fighting it is long over due.
I hurt my father today, by breaking his trust. We don't have much of a relationship, but I love him. No matter what I love him, and its killing me that I choose to do something to deliberately hurt him, and I don't know why.
This wasn't a sudden decision, it was a series of decisions that I choose to do, and I have to live with that.
My phone is being taken away, but ill be on the blog whenever I can get on the desk top.
As always know that I love each and everyone of you who read this, and that I am grateful that any of you are. Continue to look for posts, and follow me on twitter. I might not be able to follow back right away since my phone is MIA, but it is what it is.
Stay Strong, Smart, and Amazingly Beautiful as always,
And just know that whatever mistakes I make, or you make...were all in this together.
Xo Taylor.

my ever evolving tastes: a new eyeliner obsession

Hey Beauties,

Anyone who knows me, knows that my tastes are always evolving. It can be food, or clothes, guys, and yes even makeup. I dont know why I am this way, its been this way since I was a little girl. Some things in life I view in extremes of "Black" and "White", while others are extensively varying shades of grey. What can I say, Im just weird like that :)

Im sure when It comes to makeup many of  you do what I do. I can love a technique or a product one day and then absolutely hate it the next.  A prime example of this would be eyeliner. In this past week alone, I have used gel liner/cream liner, pencils and liquid liner. In some cases, the look that you are trying to achive does change the type of eye liner that you can use. However, I feel that in my case at least, there is always a consistancy I favor at one time or another.

Right now Im loving liquid eyeliner. Its been a while since I have used a liquid eyeliner, for a long time I have liked the softer, smoked out and smudged look that could only be achived by a soft pencil, and im some cases a cream liner. Now? Ive fallen in love with a deep, dark, crisp dramatic line. This can only be achived by a liquid liner.

This transformation in my way of thinking, started when I picked up a new product a few months ago. While shopping at Macy's, spending money that I couldnt really afford to spend ( LOL), I saw one of the girls working the counter had this gorgeous blue sparkled liner on. I couldnt look away from her eyes! When I asked what she was wearing, she smiled brightly and pointed to the Stila display. There I found a selection of sparkly eyeliners that would change my world.

This liner was Stila's Sparkle Waterproof Eyeliner (In Electric):

This has become one of my favorite eyeliners and I have found a way to incorporate it into many color selections.

Today I went out and bought:

Rimmel London's Exaggerate Bold Liquid Eyeliner ( In 100% Black)

Im loving how this applies, and the pigmentation is just "WOW". Ill see how I like it in the long run , then post a review.

Stay Strong, Stay Smart, Stay Beautiful,                                                                                 

XOXO Taylor                                                                                                                               

wish list, we all have one, especially now!

Hey Beautiful Guys and Dolls,
I recently took a walk down the aisles of my local Cvs,  a rare treat for me. See, I love Cvs, but they charge more for their products then any other drugstore, and the one near me closes at 9:00pm . I tend to go to Rite-Aid, because they are cheaper, I get 20% off with my rewards card, and they are open 24/7 ( which is good because im the only freak who likes to go shopping at 1 in the morning). This all will change soon, as our local diner was sold ( for a crazy amount of money- who knew land in Brooklyn was worth so much!) and they are now opening a really large Cvs ( and its open 24/7) . Someone around here finally got the message that we needed bigger and better drugstores, because they also built a gigantic Walgreens (directly across from the local Rite-Aid; I sense a competition about to brew).

The thing I love about Cvs is their selection of products, I know that when I walk into a specific drugstore, that I can find certain brands. Each drugstore is different, as im sure you all know. So from time to time, I walk into Cvs, and look for new products. This trip didn't disappoint.

I couldn't buy any of the products right now, but I am going back ASAP for some, and requesting birthday presents. Here is my wishlist, if you can buys these right now, I suggest you run, not walk to your local store.

 Revlon Colorstay Long wear Nail Enamel in Sorbet (approximately- $9)
This is THE most beautiful orange color, I cant wait to use it this summer, Once I get this horrific gel off my nail( no just kidding I love gel manicures, but I haven't soaked it off yet and It has been 8 weeks- imagine how my nails look...yah not a pretty picture huh?)

Nailene Sensational Nail Starter Kit (approximately -$60)
Like I previously stated, I like having a gel manicure, the fact that this manicure has lasted 8 weeks, should be proof enough that they are worth the investment. However the price of a gel manicure, combined with upkeep, can drive any girl to madness. The solution? well I am hoping this kit will be the solution. It comes with a led lamp ( instead of the UV alternative, which seems better for my health in the long run) a primer, color, topcoat, and nail accessories. I am also interested in a variety of colors, some of which you can see in the lower half of the picture.

I am also Interested in the Revlon Super Lustrous Lip gloss( approximately- $9) in the colors Coral Reef, and Pink Pop.

I have had a love/hate relationship with these lip glosses for years. Many well known beauty bloggers and make-up gurus have stated that they loved these. So what did I do? I ran down to my local store, and bought them. I have always loved the formula, but still to this day hated the color selection, and the overly glittery gloss choices they had. This new collection has sparked my interest though. The color selection, is somewhat better, but what really stood out were these two colors. The Coral, and bright Pink seem the perfect shades, and there is no sparkle to be found, just a creamy ( hopefully highly pigmented) gloss. Im looking forward to picking these up.

The New York Color, In a New York Color Minute Quick Dry Polish, In the limited edition colors, lavender cupcake and mint macaroon.

I love these polishes, they have a great consistency, and dry in a timely manner. These are great for when you need to do you toes right before an event. ( I am known for painting my nails right before they go into a peep-toe.)

So there you have it, a sampling of the spring products I am lusting after.

Stay Strong, Stay Smart, and Stay Beautiful,
XOXO Taylor